Social Conduct

     As anyone that has contacted me in the past is aware, I’m not very good at being social. I never realized that I was actually having a genuine problem of any kind until recently when a good friend pointed out the fact that I was vastly more withdrawn than usual, which was already pretty deep. He made me sit and have a proper conversation, during which I finally saw how bad it had gotten. 

This is something that I want to change, and will do my best to work on as time goes by.

 For those who are curious -

     Through numerous experiences as a child, I grew up to feel as though nobody really cared what I had to say, as one does. I’m also far from the most intelligent of folk, so quite frequently when I did feel the need to say something, it’d just get thrown back in my face with a good bit of laughter behind it.

     Sometime in middle school I learned that, as they say, silence is golden. If I didn’t talk, nobody could laugh at something I’d said. Clear through high school I kept to this formula, earning me the honor of being voted the quietest person in school in my senior year, out of over a thousand students. When I was in theater, I received word that numerous people came in to see the final production out of curiosity, because they’d never heard my voice.

     After school, well, I lived out in the middle of the woods, and had trouble finding work, so for years I had little social interaction outside of friends, family, and the internet. 

     Some may recall that span of time when I was producing new works constantly, and subsequently began to somewhat rapidly rise in popularity. This was a new concept for me, as again, popularity was something I’d severely lacked up until then in any form. At this point I would happily sit and chat with anyone willing, often role playing, for hours at a time. 

     Then, something happened. I say ‘something’, because I’m not entirely sure what it was. What I do know is I began to notice that, more often than not, a persons’ willingness to chat was directly related to how much I was willing to draw for them. I started experimenting on this idea, and the results were as I’d expected, to my disappointment. I stopped drawing for 'friends’, and not surprisingly at that point, lost most of them. Of those that remained, I just couldn’t shake the feeling that they were just hanging around just in case I changed my mind.

     Fear of talking to people in the real world, and realizing that those in the digital only did so in hopes of getting something out of me, I started pulling away entirely from both. Now here we are, years of constant reinforcement of these ideas later. I refuse to try to make friends, RP, or even have actual conversations, because I just feel like it’s a waste of time. When someone new contacts me, I hold back on getting too involved, and if they mention drawing at any point, I shut down completely.

    The thing is, I don’t even understand why anymore. It was my defense mechanism for years, but now, it’s just sorta’ habit. I can knock out sketches in no time, I still love actually chatting, and role playing, and I’ve been around enough that I’ve no problem being blunt about telling people off when I need to anymore, rather than just staying silent. 

    This is what I’m now trying to work on, breaking this habit. I want to get back into the world, make friends, and start being social again. I would love to actually be disappointed about missing the chance to hang out at furcons, or even just missing a groupchat here 'n there. Hell, it’d be groovy to actually find someone that, maybe one day, well, y’ know.