Social Conduct
As anyone that has contacted me in the past is aware, I’m not very good at being social. I never realized that I was actually having a genuine problem of any kind until recently when a good friend pointed out the fact that I was vastly more withdrawn than usual, which was already pretty deep. He made me sit and have a proper conversation, during which I finally saw how bad it had gotten.
This is something that I want to change, and will do my best to work on as time goes by.
For those who are curious -
Through numerous experiences as a child, I grew up to feel as though nobody really cared what I had to say, as one does. I’m also far from the most intelligent of folk, so quite frequently when I did feel the need to say something, it’d just get thrown back in my face with a good bit of laughter behind it.
Sometime in middle school I learned that, as they say, silence is golden. If I didn’t talk, nobody could laugh at something I’d said. Clear through high school I kept to this formula, earning me the honor of being voted the quietest person in school in my senior year, out of over a thousand students. When I was in theater, I received word that numerous people came in to see the final production out of curiosity, because they’d never heard my voice.
After school, well, I lived out in the middle of the woods, and had trouble finding work, so for years I had little social interaction outside of friends, family, and the internet.
Some may recall that span of time when I was producing new works constantly, and subsequently began to somewhat rapidly rise in popularity. This was a new concept for me, as again, popularity was something I’d severely lacked up until then in any form. At this point I would happily sit and chat with anyone willing, often role playing, for hours at a time.
Then, something happened. I say ‘something’, because I’m not entirely sure what it was. What I do know is I began to notice that, more often than not, a persons’ willingness to chat was directly related to how much I was willing to draw for them. I started experimenting on this idea, and the results were as I’d expected, to my disappointment. I stopped drawing for 'friends’, and not surprisingly at that point, lost most of them. Of those that remained, I just couldn’t shake the feeling that they were just hanging around just in case I changed my mind.
Fear of talking to people in the real world, and realizing that those in the digital only did so in hopes of getting something out of me, I started pulling away entirely from both. Now here we are, years of constant reinforcement of these ideas later. I refuse to try to make friends, RP, or even have actual conversations, because I just feel like it’s a waste of time. When someone new contacts me, I hold back on getting too involved, and if they mention drawing at any point, I shut down completely.
The thing is, I don’t even understand why anymore. It was my defense mechanism for years, but now, it’s just sorta’ habit. I can knock out sketches in no time, I still love actually chatting, and role playing, and I’ve been around enough that I’ve no problem being blunt about telling people off when I need to anymore, rather than just staying silent.
This is what I’m now trying to work on, breaking this habit. I want to get back into the world, make friends, and start being social again. I would love to actually be disappointed about missing the chance to hang out at furcons, or even just missing a groupchat here 'n there. Hell, it’d be groovy to actually find someone that, maybe one day, well, y’ know.
Notes
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ultimafurry3000 said: I’m proud of you for stepping up and saying all these things, it must’ve been hard. :( You have people for support, and I definitely wish you the best!
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strawkit said: It’s difficult to break out of years long habits not to mention ones that are so emotionally charged as this. Coming to see this yourself is however a very good first step. Best of luck but don’t overreach yourself, start off little by little. ^-^
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werewolfnl said: I… yeah. I know I’m basically nobody, but all of this sounds incredibly familiar. :/ You seem like a cool person yourself when you really get to shine, and I’d love to talk some day :o
drakemohkami posted this